Castle Street, Castletown, Isle of Man
For the record I’d like to say that the authenticity of a particular recipe isn’t something that keeps me awake at night. I’m all for taking the essence of something but adapting it to your own taste, and although I’ve spent a considerable amount of time in Spain I’m not about to bore you with my (admittedly vast) knowledge of regional Spanish cuisine. Suffice to say I’m familiar with Spanish tapas, but comfortable enough with the ambiguous definition to allow for the occasional introduction of Greek and Middle Eastern mezze.
The one essential theory behind tapas is that you should have a selection of small dishes, both hot and cold, that are complimentary when eaten together as a meal. The easiest way to ensure this is to stick to the ingredients of one country, although the more ambitious chef may feel confident enough to fuse the flavours of multiple cuisines.
On confidence at least, Chef John of The Garrison would certainly score 10/10. His eclectic menu marries such unexpected dining companions as traditional Egyptian Dukkah, a ground spice mix served with bread and olive oil, with the traditional English speciality ‘Egg and Tuna Mayo wrapped in Ham.’ And the innovation doesn’t stop there, with Chef John pretty much free-styling the entire menu: ‘Tuscan bean hotpot’ alongside ‘Curried Chicken Croquettes,’ ‘Spanish Paella’ with a possible accompaniment of ‘Pear, Walnut and Stilton Salad,’ some ‘Lightly Battered Chicken’ with ‘Pesto Pasta,’ or a wedge of ‘Tortilla’ complimenting a dish of ‘Chicken and Bacon Terrine with Red Onion Marmalade.’ By the time my head stopped spinning I couldn’t decide if I felt queasy or impressed, after all, Chef John had priced his nouvelle tapas with vigorous self belief.
I will say here that the waiting staff were suitably friendly for a tapas restaurant whilst being attentive enough to ensure a smooth service on a busy weekday lunchtime. I liked the whitewashed décor well enough, and with a glass of pricey (£5.40) but passable Rioja I felt thoroughly relaxed and open to new experiences. This was as well since the first dish that we ordered, ‘Pear, Walnut and Stilton Salad,’ was missing one third of its components. With his pears ‘like bullets’ we were informed that Chef John would be replacing these with melon.
As I paused to consider this curve ball the waitress, possibly noting my involuntary grimace, assured us that this would be ‘delicious.’ In fact the pear wouldn’t have made the slightest difference to this dish of soggy rocket adorned with a miserly crumbling of stilton and tiny bits of wet melon that rapidly dissolved the dish to a swampy vegetal matter. ‘Spinach and Goats Cheese Turn Over’ comprised more bland green matter, this time encased in pale little half-moons of doughy pastry.
If there was cheese in there I certainly couldn’t taste it and fell to wondering if someone in Chef John’s kitchen had mistaken this most ubiquitous of dairy products for gold dust. A dish of ‘Chickpea, Pork and Chorizo Casserole’ was at least pleasant to eat with nice chunks of toothsome, slow-cooked pork, however in a bowlful I only managed to find one chunk of chorizo, which again shows a meanness with pricier ingredients that barely make an appearance.
At an average of £6 the customer is paying way over the odds for dishes that only reference tapas by virtue of their small size. I was anticipating that the ‘Baked Portobello Mushroom with Stilton and Dry Cured Bacon’ at £5.75 would at the very least produce an ensemble of some nice ingredients. What arrived was the saddest mushroom (singular) I had ever seen – a flaccid fungus barely brushed by the hand of the cheese miser and wearing its slice of streaky bacon like a fat man’s bandanna: my Portobello was in desperate need of Prozac.
The problem here is one that’s endemic to many restaurants on the Island. There’s a massive gulf between snobbish food purism that tells people what to like on the basis of what’s ‘authentic’ and ‘in vogue’ and food that lacks even the most basic integrity, so that it ends up a confusion of mismatched, low quality ingredients trying to pass itself off as some kind of ‘fusion.’ In trying to cater for every possible taste The Garrison have cashed in on low expectations and a convenient location whilst selling out on the one thing they should excel at: Tapas.
Coco - April 2010